Not sure how to burn a turkey? Cooking a turkey in a soup pot is just one of the easy ways our Kamloops appliance pros tell you how to burn a turkey in this very satirical post.
Dry, rubbery strips of turkey guests have to choke down with wine, and cold, tasteless clumps of stuffing—now, doesn’t that sound like the makings of the perfect holiday meal? If you want to show off your new appliance in your Kamloops home and host Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, why not give your family a meal to remember by burning the turkey this year?
That’s right, burn the turkey. Nobody likes a moist, slow-roasted turkey, the kind that melts in your mouth. If you’ve never tried burnt turkey before, our Kamloops appliance experts have compiled a list of steps you can follow to make destroying your holiday feast a little less daunting.
5 Easy Ways to Burn Your Holiday Bird
(NOTE: If you're thinking we're out of our minds already, we'll start the disclaimer now. This is a satirical post. Of course we don’t want you to burn your turkey (or your house), and we don’t actually recommend following any of these steps!)
1. Smoke out your turkey in a soup pot
Do you love everything about the scent and sight of smoked meat? Don’t worry if you don’t have a fancy roasting pan. Just put it in any old soup pot and crank the oven to somewhere near 550°C. Hey, some people like the earthy taste of charred birds. It reminds them of pilgrims cooking over campfires.
(NOTE: This is a serious fire hazard and an easy way to destroy your good pots.)
2. Put your turkey in and go away for the weekend
There’s no such thing as too much turkey. If you’re going to be out of town, spending the holidays with family, be sure to have another turkey dinner waiting for you when you return by putting it in the oven just before you turn out the lights and lock the door.
(NOTE: This would be incredibly dangerous and could cause a fire. Do NOT do this.)
3. Cook with gas.
Ever heard the expression ‘Now we’re cooking with gas?’ Well, it’s not just for your cooktop. Your oven, and your turkey, will appreciate you adding a little fuel to the fire for the ultimate burnt turkey. Just a few drops from your baster on the hour should be enough to help your turkey catch fire, char and be completely destroyed.
(NOTE: DEFINITELY do not ever try this at home. Your kitchen and your house could catch fire and you could put people at risk.)
4. Forget about basting, cook times, and thermometers, and listen to your turkey.
When it comes to burning turkeys, our Kamloops appliances experts say you should really forget all those fancy kitchen gadgets and celebrity chef recipes, and just go with your gut.
Before you place your thawed turkey in the oven, tuck its wings back and talk to your turkey. What is it saying about how long it should be cooked? If it says, “Larry, I feel like I need to go in for nine hours at 540°C,” listen to the bird.
(NOTE: That’s an incredibly inaccurate way to cook a bird but a good way to, once again, set your turkey and oven on fire, so please refrain from following your turkey’s instructions.)
5. Play opposites-ies.
If your recipe says thaw for 24 hours and cook for 2.5 hours, do the opposite: thaw for 2.5 hours and cook your turkey for 24 hours. If your recipe says add two cups of broth and basting every 30 minutes, use 30 cups of broth and baste it for two days. The result? A smoking, crispy, ridiculously dry turkey…every time.
(NOTE: Of course, doing the opposite of your recipe’s instructions, according to our Kamloops appliances pros, is a really bad rule of thumb.)
Are you looking for luxury Kamloops appliances fit for your holiday meals? Genier’s in Vernon offers the best selection of appliances in the Interior, and we’ve got a live showroom so you can see how your appliances will perform on the big day.